While reading through the text for my Spiritual Formation class this week, one statement (quote actually) stood out to me. I mean, it really hit home.
“And now Lord, with your help I shall become myself.” – Kierkegaard
What a powerful statement! I mean at least to me. I consider myself a “recovering introvert.” Sounds crazy right?
Several years ago, our women’s group at church went through “Beyond the Masquerade” by Julianna Slattery.
It was an eye-opening experience for me. All my life I’d thought of myself as shy. (I am, don’t get me wrong.) But, my desire is to meet and befriend as many people as possible. I love people! Now, there are other issues I’ve had to deal with that come with this, but right now, I’m only looking at the one. But I have had this unnatural anxiety about being the first person to speak. I would go to gatherings, church events, college events, etc and sit in a corner until someone would come speak to me first. Many times, I would go home and cry because I would be alone most of the time. Fully expecting the result to be different. I was deceived by Satan’s lies.
God gave me this desire, so I must be the one to act on it.
Through this study I realized that only God could help me overcome this fear…of rejection (the root of the issue). I was so afraid people wouldn’t like me, I didn’t want to try to get to know them. If they weren’t given the opportunity to judge me…if I didn’t speak first and say the wrong thing…then I couldn’t be rejected.
I’ve learned since then…with much help from my Father…that although some people will be judgemental, I can’t live in the corner alone. I will probably not completely overcome this, I still struggle at times, but I’m not afraid to speak anymore. I’m more aware of when I sit in the corner and start waiting, and am more likely to get up and mingle. I’m drawn to others I see “hiding” in the shadows that I never noticed before.
I feel more “myself” now than I ever have in my life! Only through the grace and love my Abba Father! All praise be unto Him!!