I had a really yucky day yesterday. I mean, I just felt terrible. Never any fever or anything, but I was constantly either getting chills or just uncomfortably warm. I chalked it up to a bit of stress and just the blahs after having a week of rainy weather and being mostly stuck inside. That may have been partially true, but after some prayer and reflection, I realized there is something a bit deeper.
As an educator, I’ve taken enough psychology courses to understand a little bit about how the stages of grief work. So, I’ve known what to expect over the last 3 months. I’ve seen it all lived out within my family, even a little magnified at times. I mean grief from such a sudden and tragic loss is a bit different than a foreseen one.
All this time, I thought I’d been handling things well. Lots of prayer when days are difficult, and the difficult days have become less and less. At least that is how it has seemed.
Truth be told, I simply don’t want to cry anymore. So, when I find thoughts of my precious sister popping into my mind, I push them out. Or better, lock them in a back room of my brain. Afterall, “I’m too busy to deal with it today,” and “Heaven forbid, someone see me cry.”
God has been revealing this to me over the past several weeks. I’m so blessed to serve such a wonderful and loving Father who is being so careful with my fragile and injured heart. He’s been slowly giving me lyrics to a song that I can’t wait to see finished. But through this, He is forcing me to reflect, insisting that I cry. Ever so carefully helping me to avoid a dangerous track to deeper emotional issues.
God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.
Even when the way goes through Death Valley,
I’m not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd’s crook
makes me feel secure.
You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.
Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I’m back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life. Psalm 23 (The Message)
So, I’m asking for forgiveness for those around me. Forgive me for being short and snappy, or simply withdrawn. Forgive me for being too busy to breathe.