I’ve realized recently that something I’ve lived with for 30+ years is missing…my mental soundtrack.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve LOVED music and was constantly singing or humming a tune. I mean, there was always a song stuck in my head. It dawned on me about a week ago that there was no music running through my mind.
This realization came at about the same time I realized I’d purposefully been keeping my mind distracted to avoid dealing with grief. This is no coincidence.
I’m learning more and more that grief will do strange things…far beyond textbook. I expect the textbook reactions…and have pretty much seen them coming and allowed myself to avoid them. (Yeah…I’m super smart like that. *drench words with sarcasm for full effect*) Of course, I’m no psychologist…so I may actually be textbook. 😉
I struggle more than ever in my life to really read my Bible. Sure I read it…but many days I can’t give you any real info about what I’ve read. I pray, but my sweet conversation with my heavenly Daddy has been quite shallow…as my mind is constantly racing for a distraction.
These are the realizations the last two weeks have brought. The pain I’ve faced in the last week was unexpected but oh so needed. What a wonderful Father we have!! He knows exactly what we need and when we need it.
So, back to my mental mp3 player…during this avoidance of grief, I pretty much let the battery die. How long does it take to charge, I wonder? I miss my mental music…the soundtrack of my life. I feel it slowly recharging, and I get snippets during most days…but nothing compared to what it used to be.
My music is the inward and outward expression of my joy. Oh, how my loving Father convicted me of abandoning it. I look forward to its return. It may be a slow return, but it will return!