Continuing with the topic of how we speak to ourselves, and more-so, how it effects our lives, I decided to get real with all of you about a personal struggle I’m dealing with now.
For as long as I’ve been a Christian, I’ve taken my prayer time very seriously. There is much power in prayer! I’ve seen God move in tremendous ways, that all started with prayer. I’ve seen lives changed because of prayer. But more than that, spending that precious time, one to One, with my Abba Father provided this crazy life SO much peace!
That being said, for the past nearly 11 months, I’ve really struggled to keep my regular prayer time together. REALLY struggled.
How does this have anything to do with how we speak to ourselves? Well, that’s totally all it is, in my case.
The weekend of April 16, 2012, I prayed more earnestly than I’ve ever prayed before. I played the good Christian role with family, and said all the right words. “God’s will is perfect! No matter what happens, it’s His will.” On the inside, I was torn into tiny pieces. I prayed diligently as I stared at my baby sister, attached to machines that were sustaining her life. I prayed for my Abba to heal her broken body. I KNEW He could do it. Only He could do it! In my heart I knew if she were to be miraculously healed, that it would help draw my family closer to Him. I feared if she weren’t healed that they would drift farther and farther away. I knew that He wouldn’t take her away from her family…it just couldn’t happen that way. He is such a loving God, and I KNOW that.
When they turned off her machines early the following Monday morning, the earthly healing never occurred. My niece and brother-in-law were now without a mother and wife. Still, I kept praying. Praying for God to draw my family to Him through this terribly difficult time. Praying for strength and wisdom to answer the oncoming questions.
I made it through the next weeks, mostly on prayer. Weeks became months, and my prayers for strength became fewer…actually my conversations with God became fewer. Don’t hear me wrong here, I still pray, but those fabulous, non-ritualistic conversations with my Abba God didn’t happen much at all.
Over the past few months, I’ve acknowledged the problem. And started listening to the little voice in my head. Wanna know what it’s been saying…rather hissing in my ear.
“He didn’t listen.”
“Really, what good will praying about it do. He obviously doesn’t listen anymore.”
“No amount of prayer in *insert any situation* will make a difference.”
Etc, etc, etc.
Seriously, every time the Holy Spirit will nudge me to pray over someone, something, anything, that nasty little voice wins. Sure I may utter a prayer…but honestly, it has been just going through the motions because that nagging voice is still there.
Now, I REFUSE to let Satan keep that little voice running around in my brain. That’s partly why I wanted to share my struggle with you. Do you have an area in your life where you’ve allowed Satan to plant that nasty, nagging little voice inside? Know that YOU AREN’T ALONE!
You know what’s even better? We do have an Abba (Daddy) God who is crazy about us and wants nothing more than to provide us freedom from those voices! I’m not saying it’s going to be an easy road, but know you have friends who will pray you through! (And I mean REALLY pray you through!) There may be days when the pain of the chipping away seems more than we can bear. But we must allow ourselves to be broken before God, and only then can He comfort and change us.